I struggled with anorexia for a decade.
I really struggled with who I was for a decade.
You see, I wanted every single person I met to like me. Every single one. Now I know that is simply not possible.
So I would change who I was for the people I was around. Ahh, yes shallow. Yes. The ones who saw through that and stuck around long enough got to see the real Jensy, the authentic Jensy.
In all that confusion of who I was, I developed an eating disorder to gain some sort of control in my life. I felt so confused all the time. So uneasy. I began to slowly commit emotional suicide that manifested on the outside. I weighed eight nine pounds at anorexia's height. And I still felt confused but now scared and lonely.
I recently came upon a book called "Ask and It is Given" By Esther and Jerry Hicks. It's a book about the Law of Attraction. I can't fully teach you what it details because its lengthy but if I had to come up with a summary of the book it would be: "Choose to be Happy. Choose better feeling thoughts moment to moment." I wish I would have read this book when I battled anorexia!
According to Hicks, ANY emotion/thought is better than depression. They included an emotional scale in their book that helps you work from feeling bad to feeling better about whatever you are experiencing. Find where you are emotionally on the scale, and then try and find thoughts that feel just a tad bit better about it. You take small steps or make tiny shifts toward joy.
You can't go from the pits of hell straight into love, optimism, appreciation, joy, etc. in an instant. There is a process. Mine was a decade long process but yours doesn't have to be if your struggling with any sort of eating disorder, grief, loss, depression, breakup/divorce etc.
You start where you are and choose everyday to be better.
Their theory here is if you are at #22(Depression) as I was for so long, you can soften the depression by going up the scale toward 1. You may skip a few here and there but you can never go straight to one. So choosing a thought/emotion that is #20 Jealousy, you are doing a little better.
Let me give you my example to be more clear.
I was at #22 (Depression) when I was anorexic. I said things to myself like "I am stupid, I am ugly, no one cares about me. I hate who I am." (Just writing this makes me wanna cry and hug that Jensy.) I would jump from #21(Insecurity) to #17 (Anger) and back again never really getting above a #9. (Pessimism) I lived in the higher numbered emotions for so long, I set up shop, ate, drank and slept there.
Then I woke up. I awakened. A passage into motherhood can sometimes do that to ya!
I know now that I had to spend some time in the emotions 22-8 to get some clarity. I wanted so desperately to be at #1 (Joy/Freedom). We all want to be #1. But the only way we can get to #1 is by doing the following three things:
and NEVER GIVING UP!
Everyday we have choice. It can be better than yesterday. Or not. Setbacks are inevitable but you can train yourself everyday to get back up.
The Awakening happened when I became content (#7) with my life. I started to notice all the wonderful things in my life instead of focusing on what was not so great. Then as my body slowly came back to a healthy weight I started to become more hopeful (#6). I wasn't upset with the way I looked and felt comfortable with my food choices. Yes, there were a ton of days where I felt anger(#17) or rage (#19) but after my Awakening I was able to have Hope (#6) that things would be okay. Appreciation (#1)for my life started to happen more often and Empowerment (#1) came in writing my first book a few years later.
So you see its a process. Overcoming any adversity is a process. You wake up every morning knowing that if you are patient, put in the hard work (in my case the hard work was relentless research, a lot of therapy, overcoming fears around food, overcoming the fear of being myself and surrendering) and finally, COMMITMENT to RECOVERY despite any obstacle, then you are on your way to sustainable happiness and freedom from any despair.
What are your thoughts about Hicks' emotional scale. Can this help soften anything you are struggling with right now?
I would love to hear about it! Visit my Facebook page: Your Wide Awakening and post it in the comments.
Love & Light,